What are you finding?

This spring I took the opportunity to go on a 7-day silent retreat in Colorado with a teacher, Susanne Marie.  I hadn’t been on a silent retreat that long and wondered what it would be like.  I’ve done vision quests before, and compared to 4 days and nights isolated on the land fasting, this seemed quite luxurious.  I would have shelter, a bed, and meals!

Silence can be intense, especially if we aren’t used to it, and I was surprised to feel like the retreat was actually not very quiet at all in the ways I was imagining.  Most mornings I joined the local community for Puja where we would chant and say mantras.  A morning session with Susanne was a talk and before dinner folks on retreat could get up and dialogue with her.  I live alone and my kiddos are here half of the time (and are mostly in that teenage phase of- in their bedrooms with the door closed- when they are here).  This means that my daily life is much more quiet than silent retreat.  I found myself part way through retreat reflecting on how things were going and feeling like nothing was happening.  One of the things Susanne spoke about was being rigorous about where you put your attention and to keep placing attention on what is already working, free, spacious.  I know this.  I have heard this all the time in the new age world. I have heard this more traditionally too.  I regularly recommend practices like the Examen to hone attention.  I have said many times to clients, “Everything is here in this moment.  If you look for what is not working or what’s disconnected, you will find it.  If you look for what is working and connected, you’ll find that too.”  What do we want to look for?  More importantly, what is it we want to find?

I don’t know if you’ve had the experience of getting a new car and suddenly seeing a whole bunch of cars on the road that are the same model as yours.  I have.  Suddenly, things pop to attention in a whole different way.  Those cars were always there before, but there was no reason to notice.  Suddenly when our car is newly in our attention, it looks for and finds a whole bunch more.  It is a helpful thing to know and practice.

I took this to heart as I sat and bemoaned that nothing was happening on my retreat.  I flipped it around and asked what IS happening on my retreat?  I filled 3 pages in my journal and sparked up my gratitude for the experience I was actually having.  I also realized that I enjoy a certain amount of intensity in my spiritual life and this retreat just felt….easeful, good, flowing, intimate.  Another realization followed that.  One misunderstanding that I got from growing up Christian was that life is hard and somehow suffering means you are doing a good job at living a devoted and good life.  Hardness and suffering are how you know you’re “doing it right”.  Phooey!  I have been working this worldview out of my life for two or 3 decades…and there I found it hiding out on retreat.  I missed 3 pages of wonder, delight and ease while I looked for some intensity or something difficult to mark my retreat “progress”.  It was good learning and when I saw it and turned my attention, the retreat got even more glorious and I got some beautiful intensity near the end as well (Thank you Universe!).

I know that Scarcity and I have had a long and complicated relationship.  She’s just trying to keep me safe and I don’t want to be safe like that anymore.  Upon returning home, I have intentionally made time at the end of the day to write about what did happen that day….what I am grateful for, what felt delicious.  It has gently ushered me into the moment again and again to notice the fullness, the joy, the delight, the treasure that is my life.  I know it’s a thin veil that separates this way of looking from the scarce way where I only see what didn’t get done, what is scaring me, what is worrisome or off.  How is it for you?  Where is your attention and where would you benefit from an adjustment in what you are looking for and what you would like to find?

It really is all here.

What felt wonderful today?  Where did you feel connection and love today?  What’s working?  Keep me posted if you try this practice for yourself.  Tailor it to your own life and needs.  If this is something you would like help with, I have spots open for new clients.

May you have eyes to see the glory of your life that is already here.

May it increase as you seek it, and find the joy that is waiting.

May whatever distracts you from this find a soft place to rest.